Things Change
by Queen K
Summary: While reviewing her relationship with Xander, Cordelia comes to an interesting conclusion.


I suppose it had to end sometime. I mean, we weren't like, soulmates or anything. We were just an average couple. Ok, no, I take that back. We were anything but average. I mean, what average couple start out in a basement while hiding from a monster? What average couple starts out as sworn enemies, and turn all that passionate hate into love? Not that many, as far as I'm aware of.  
  
Xander Harris and I were sworn enemies for as far back as I could remember. I would always rag on his lack of. . . well, everything: fashion, decent looks, a brain. He would mock me for being too self involved. But things change. People evolve. Or at least somewhat.  
  
I started to fall for the King of Dorks after he had rescued me from that fire in the old science building, right after my life had been threatened by that psycho scientist kid and my kinda dead ex-boyfriend, Daryl. That really put things in perspective. I mean, who knew Xander could look so damn cute while being all hero-like?  
  
I hid my feelings for a long time. Even from myself. I wouldn't even think of acknowledging Xander any differently than before. I mean, what was the point? Even if I was starting to have some fluffy bunny feelings for him or whatever, he was a total loser. He would bring damage to my social status. And besides, it's not as if he liked me or anything. (Though, I thought, how could he not? I'm so cute.)  
  
Then. . .well, things changed. After that incident in Buffy's basement, where we first kissed, I. . . I guess my feelings for him deepened even more. But I still didn't let onto anything. Sure, our trysts in the utility closets were fine and dandy, but to go public? Ugh. . . I couldn't even imagine.  
  
But things change. I broke up with Xander for a while, after my friends found out about us and pressured me into losing him. I felt terrible. I liked Xander so much, but I'm Cordelia Chase! I was popular! I couldn't be seen with geeks like Xander Harris!  
  
After I had found out that Xander had conjured up that stupid love spell for me, I knew I had to be with him. I mean, how sweet is that? So I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. I sneered at the in crowd. But at least I had Xander now. He grows on you, you know. Like a chia pet.  
  
I always knew Xander had this thing for Buffy. But after a while, he stopped talking about her like his heart only beat for the Slayer. After a while. . . he started talking like his heart beat for me. It was nice.  
  
I also knew that Willow had a big yen for Xander. I mean, how could I not? It was so damn obvious. But she had gotten Oz, and since Xander never looked at her that way, I thought. . . no, I knew, that everything would be ok.  
  
But things change. Since I'd gotten back from that oh-so-dreadful summer vacation in Las Palmas, I'd realized this amazing thing: I am so in love with Xander. The goofy, witty, charming, gorgeous-in-a-Speedo geek. We'd been through demons together. We could face anything. Or so I thought.  
  
When Oz and I found Willow and Xander together at the factory, a million thoughts ran through my mind, most of which contained really bad words. But some of them. . .  
  
I never told him that I loved him. . . I should have told him. . . this wasn't supposed to happen. . . how could he do this to me. . . I thought we would be together. . . of all people, why Willow?  
  
I ran. And. . . I fell. I fell hard. Part of me wished I would just die, so the pain would end, and I don't mean the pain from the spike. How could he do this to me? Nothing compares to the feeling I had seeing them on that bed kissing, like Oz and I didn't even exist.  
  
Oz. Poor Oz. He didn't deserve any misery, he's such a sweet werewolf that showed Willow nothing but tenderness and love. So. . . why? Why? The only thing that passed through my mind. . . why? Well, that and 'Ow, my stomach.'  
  
After I got out of the hospital, Xander called me constantly. But I wouldn't talk to or see him. I needed time and especially distance. I knew if I saw him, it would be all I could do to either kiss him or kill him.  
  
But I knew I'd have to face him soon enough. So I did.  
  
We met at the Espresso Pump one afternoon. He was sitting at a table, looking so nervous when I got there. He had every reason to look nervous. I sat down at the table.  
  
"Cordy. . . how. . . how are you feeling?"  
  
I only nodded. I felt that if I spoke, the tears would come gushing out. I didn't want to seem weak.  
  
"Cor, I'm just gonna start groveling now. You don't know how sorry I am. And please don't think I'm just saying that. I can't make up for what I did, I know that. But Will and I both want to work things out with you and Oz. What we did was pretty unforgivable. But I want to be with you, Cordy. Nothing like this will ever, ever happen again."  
  
I interupted him. "Nothing like this should have happened in the first place." I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I didn't care if I looked weak or not. I started to sob.  
  
He looked like he's just killed a person. He did. He killed me. He leaned over and cupped my chin, and looked me in the eyes.  
  
"Cor, I know this is the last thing you want to hear, because I don't think you'll believe it. . . but. . . I love you. I love you, Cor, and all I want is you."  
  
I stared at him for a moment, looking him over. His sweet face, those lips that I've kissed. Those lips that were on Willow, forgetting the memory of me.  
  
"No, Xander. That's always been what I've wanted to hear. But, if you loved me as much as you say, this wouldn't have happened and you know it. But I do love you, for all it's worth. And when I saw you and Will on that bed. . . it was enough to damage my heart for a lifetime. So guess what? I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. I'm not gonna put myself through Hell. I'm not gonna kiss you, and think of your lips on hers, and wonder if you're thinking the same thing. What I'm gonna do is move on. I'm gonna get over you someday and I'll fall in love again. With someone who deserves me."  
  
I paused. I was about to lose it, so I took a deep breath, and began again.  
  
"Xander. . . I don't want to go all Jerry Maguire on you, but you made me a better person. And I thank you for that. So I'm gonna take my better self and get me a better man. But I'm gonna be in love with you for a long time, Xander, and Hell, I may never truly get over you. Because I don't want to. But I have to. So I will."  
  
I stood up then. He was chewing at his lip, and I knew he was about to cry. I couldn't stick around for that. All of our memories flashed through me in an instant. I couldn't go back now. But I could cry some more. So I kissed his cheek for one last time, and I ran.  
  
Only this time, I didn't fall.  
  
I know it will be a long time before all my thoughts stop drifting back to Xander. Funny, isn't it? I mean, I'm Cordelia Chase. I would never admit how much I actually cared for Xander, but I cared for him more than anything. But I can't be with him. It's just. . . I can't imagine me loving anyone more deeply than I love him.  
  
But who knows?  
  
Things change.


End file.
